The Junkyard

I used to be the kind of person who was always out of one relationship and straight into the next. And everyone made fun of me for it. Everyone called me a serial monogamist and laughed about how predictably I would move from one relationship immediately into the next.

I’m not going to say that I was acting in that way for the healthiest of reasons, but I can say that the reason I conducted myself that way back then was because I was emotionally care-free. Now that I don’t date one guy after another after another, people might take me more seriously, but I would rather be the guy people laughed at but felt unrestrained than be the over-analytical and guarded person I am today.

I used to move on so quickly because I didn’t dwell on the previous relationship(s). These days I dwell. I look at my most recent failure and I convince myself that I am not worth the investment of commitment, so I don’t let anyone in. I am a king of excuses — “I’m just so busy…”

I would like to change, to be completely emotionally open again. I just don’t know if it’s possible. I know I’m harder on myself than I should be. I’m going to work on it. I’m posting this here because I feel like it may be liberating in some way to know that my thoughts aren’t just sitting in my head, but actually out into the world… or out into the inter-world… Part of me feels like apologizing and making excuses for being so self-indulgent, but that’s exactly the type of person I am trying not to be. So I’m unapologetically posting this here. Goodnight. :)